Tips & Resources for Families

• Fortunately, if they drink, most USF students drink in moderation. At the same time, abuse of alcohol and other drugs causes or contributes to significant harm for a sizable subset of students and those around them. These problems can include getting in trouble, alcohol poisoning, poor academic performance, accidents, drug interactions or overdose, and increased risk of sexual assault.
• Parents can play an important role in helping students make good decisions around substance use. We encourage you to talk your student about the risks associated with drinking and drug use.
• CAPS offers services to students struggling with problems around the use of alcohol or another drug. If you are concerned about your student’s drinking or drug use, feel free to contact CAPS for advice or email Case Management in the Office of the Dean of Students.

Yes, they ARE anxious. 

USF Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) and Counseling Centers nationwide, have found that the number one presenting issue of students entering counseling is anxiety. Our clinical experience and recent research, suggests that there are a multitude of influences which have negatively impacted the resiliency and ability of today’s traditional aged college students to cope.

One report indicates an increase of 1,120% between 1980 and 2010, while another shows a 600% rise in tuition between 1980 and 2020. The average student graduates with approximately $30,000 to $40,000 in student loan debt, though this figure varies significantly based on institution type and whether the student borrowed federal or private loans. This sharp increase in tuition costs is coupled with shrinking government and school-based grants and scholarships and increased competition for financial aid. In the economic crash which occurred for many in their adolescence, students experienced drastic economic changes and job losses in their own families, as well as the increase in financial pressures and anxiety that accompany these changes. 

Research indicates that students get fewer hours of sleep and put in more hours for non-school related work with each passing year, for the past 20 years. They face a more uncertain economy and unstable job market, and cannot be as confident as previous generations that their academic efforts will lead to a secure career.  In a period of steep degree inflation, they must achieve more and more to stand out among their peers.

Additionally, today’s traditional-aged college students have grown up in what many researchers identify as a post 9/11 “culture of fear” – complete with school shooting drills and 24 hour news cycles.

Top it off with any number and combination of the personal issues we see our students dealing with – parental divorce, substance abuse, changes in romantic relationship issues, etc., and the high anxiety we see in this population starts to make sense.

If a student shares with you that they are experiencing anxiety, please refer them to campus support systems.  If they have been psychiatrically diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder, they can register with Student Disability Services and may be eligible for academic accommodations.  Koret Recreation Center offers a variety of exercise options. Below is a list of support options offered through CAPS.

1.  Annual tabling related to anxiety and management strategies

2.  Website: Relaxation Podcasts

3.  Brief, confidential individual therapy

4.  Group therapy addressing Social Anxiety, Test Anxiety, General Anxiety

5.  Referrals for Yoga, Aikido, Tai chi, meditation, community practitioners and specialty clinics.

 6. For students who experience late night panic attacks or who are in crisis, we provide CAPS ALL Hours which is available 24 hours a day including holidays. CAPS ALL Hours 

Help Your Student De-Stress

Most college students experience various kinds of stress; parents may feel stressed too. One problem that many students may encounter is that stress takes them by surprise; they don’t anticipate it will become a problem and may have difficulty identifying stress or proactively managing it.

Here are some tips on how to help your student manage stress:

• Anticipate it - Students who are prepared for the possibility of feeling stressed, will not be surprised when it happens.

• Identify it - Stress can be caused by one particular event, or by multiple factors. Help your student name or identify the cause for stress.
• Normalize it - A certain amount of stress is inevitable, and may also be helpful for some students. Help your student understand that stress is a normal part of their college experience.
• Manage it - There are specific strategies your student can use to manage and lower stress.

The following are some strategies you can share with your student:

• Get organized - Manage your time. Make task lists for academic assignments. Keep your desk, room, and workplace uncluttered. 
• Stay healthy - Exercise regularly. Eat nutritional and healthy meals. Maintain a regular sleep schedule. Avoid or reduce caffeine. 
• Use Relaxation - Try using meditation, calming music, breathing exercises, visualization or positive imagery. Find some quiet time. Try aromatherapy with lavender or sign up for a mindfulness group.
• Maintain a balance - Plan out activities and be careful not to get over-involved. Set limits to avoid burnout. Learn to be assertive in recognizing and prioritizing your needs. Say “I need to think about that” to give yourself time to see if a task is do-able with your existing schedule.
• Get a change of scene - Get off campus, go on a hike, visit a friend, go shopping. Involved and active students are often happier and do better academically.   
• Take breaks - Take breaks in your work to rejuvenate yourself—even 5 minutes helps! Having time to enjoy yourself, pursue a favorite hobby, laugh and feel alive, is just as important as school and work.
• Practice gratitude - Take a few moments at the end of the day to reflect on the positive moments. Even when college may seem difficult, there are some parts of your life that are good. Focus on the positive.
• Love yourself - Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t “get it all right.” No one can do everything perfectly all the time, and the right balance is different for everyone.
• Get support.  Talk to friends, family members, or advisors. Consider making an appointment at USF Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) for additional support and strategies on how to manage stress. 

Communicating with my College-Aged Child

Have you ever wondered why your child appears so relaxed and lively while chatting with a friend but seems reserved and reticent when talking with you? Well, you are not alone. Some research shows that the majority of parents and adult children can get irritated with each other at times. “The parent-child relationship is one of the longest-lasting social ties…This tie is often positive, but it also commonly includes feelings of tension,” said Kira Birditt, Professor of the Life Course Development Program at the University of Michigan.

College-age kids are going through a lot of changes in their lives. This might be their first time living away from family, being involved in a committed romantic relationship, wondering about their future careers, and establishing their personal identities. Support from family, especially parents, plays a crucial role in their successful adjustment at school and overall well-being.  

Even though your intention is to express care, you might sometimes find yourself wondering what you said that turned a conversation sour. You may also wonder how often you should call your children, and what you might want to say to them.

In the book, You’re on Your Own (But I’m Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years (by Marjorie Savage), the author discusses communication issues between parents and their college-age children including frequency of contact and ways to communicate. Savage shared, in order to know that your children are safe and doing well, “You don’t need 20-minute conversations every day, but you can be in touch by some means at least weekly.” It is also recommended by some that you allow your children to contact you, rather than calling them, so that they will choose a time when they are most available for a conversation.  

It is important to be aware that your children might contact you when something is not going well, but they are not necessarily seeking solutions or advice from you. Instead, it would be more helpful for you to let your children “vent,” and, when necessary or requested, provide ideas, opinions, or assistance.  

College Parent Central, a website designed to provide information for parents with college-age children, offers some other general advice when talking with children over the phone:

• Listen between the lines. If your children sound upset, try to determine whether this is a momentary mood, whether they are overwhelmed, sad about something specific, homesick, or just tired.
• Celebrate. If your children are excited about their activities, celebrate with them. Ask for details about what is going well.
• Ask open-ended questions. Open questions are questions that allow the other person to expand upon their answers.  Closed-ended questions allow the other person to respond with a simple yes or no. “Are your classes going well?” may garner a response of “Yes”. Questions such as “What is your favorite class?” or “What is your most difficult class?” or “Who is your favorite professor?” might get the conversation flowing better.
• Use more conversation encouragers and fewer stoppers. One common “conversation stopper” is denial. We might unintentionally discount our children’s experience of a situation by saying something like, “It can’t be that bad,” or “You’re making this seem worse than it probably is”? On the other hand, reassurance is a useful conversation encourager. Sometimes the most appreciated response you may give to your children is simple and sincere reassurance – that you understand, that things will get better, that you’ll be there.
• Accept and trust. If you get the “Can’t talk now, I’m off to do something with my friends” message, accept the response. You may need to learn to let it go and then check back in a day or two. It may also mean that your child is active and involved in his or her college life, and that’s important. If you become concerned that your child is missing classes, struggling academically, or experiencing signs of anxiety or depression, you may want to encourage them to make an appointment at the Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) by calling (415) 422-6352.  

Returning Home for the Holidays

The holidays can be a stressful time just about for anyone. For college students, it will mark their return back home for their first extended visit, which will be a time of readjustment and reacquaintance for the entire family.

Changes will have occurred both at home and in your student’s life. The key to a successful visit may simply be anticipating that things will be different. One of the biggest changes that college students go through is their increased sense of independence and responsibility. Your student will have been on their own for almost an entire semester and for the most part love their freedom. The expectations and rules you had once enforced will likely be a thing of the past – or so your young adult may like to assume. Tensions may arise for many families and their college student around issues such as curfew and their freedom to do as they please without having to report to anyone. Reentering the family routines may feel restrictive to your student and will require compromise on everyone’s part.

Your listening and negotiating skills may get a workout and your patience may be tested during this period of readjustment. To ease into it, make plans to have a conversation with your college student about your expectations of them being at home. Expect some push back in the beginning but be firm and open to negotiation. Requests you may have as parents will less likely be an issue of contention if there is open and honest communication, in which both sides feel heard and understood. For instance, rather than demanding that they come home by a certain time, use “Istatements,” such as “I would feel better knowing where you go or that you will home by ___.” Statements using “I” will address your feelings and needs as parents without making your student feel as if they need to defend themselves. Talk about your comfort level and let your student talk about his or her feelings regarding your expectations. Be ready to negotiate and compromise. You may be surprised at how reasonable your student can be when the issue is addressed calmly and considerately before it becomes a problem. Parents and students will need to pick their battles carefully – consider what’s really important and let the other stuff slide.

Other things to consider as your student returns home for their first extended visit: Plan early and consult with your returning student when making plans for family vacations and other activities. Don’t assume that your student is going to just hang out at home. They will have likely made plans with friends they haven’t seen in a while and will want time to reconnect.

Expect your child to do a lot of sleeping. Your student will probably come home exhausted from the last few weeks of classes and final exams. While your day may end at 10 p.m., that is when most college students get going. Their sleep schedule may have changed dramatically and they may need to spend more time than usual catching up on sleep.

Your student may arrive looking unexpectedly thin or pudgy. Because many college students experience fluctuations in their weight and appearance, they can be highly sensitive to comments and messages about their weight. Rather than commenting on their weight or sleep-deprived eyes, make caring comments like “It’s so wonderful to see you.”

• Becoming a Wise Parent for Your Grown Child: How to Give Love and Support Without Meddling (book available on Amazon.com)

Homesickness Tips for Families

College can be an exciting experience for students. It can be a time of making lifelong friends; exploring new places, ideas, and identities and a time where students grow into their unique persona. Besides being challenged academically, one of the most significant hurdles to overcome is often the experience of homesickness.

Most students experience some degree of homesickness when they first arrive on campus. After some adjusting to the new environment, most will be enjoying this new phase of life. For others, however those feelings of missing family, friends, and the familiar environment of “home” may still be lingering. Often it can distract the individual from both the social and the academic opportunities of being a student at USF. Below are tips for you as family members on how to help your daughter or son combat a seemingly paralyzing sense of just not wanting to be at college and wanting to be back home.

Tips for families to help students deal with Homesickness:

• Tell your daughter/son/child/sibling: IT’S COMPLETELY NORMAL TO FEEL HOMESICK! And let them know: They are NOT ALONE! Explain that it is better to let him/she feel sad, miss family, friends, pets, etc. Writing in a journal can help and talking to a roommate or Resident’s assistant can help curb the loneliness.
• If the student wants to come home right away: Explain that going home too soon could set up a precedent for going home more often than is practical or healthy for the college experience. He/she is setting him/herself up to have significantly fewer opportunities to meet new friends, maintain existing relationships, and be involved in extracurricular activities, all of which are vital to helping him/her adjust to college and feel like you are making USF your own. 
• Provide something from home: Simple things like putting together a photo album, a recipe for their favorite meal, or a DVD with the family favorite can help in those moments when the longing is overwhelming. Provide some items from home. Decorating their room with things from home can help the student feel like he/she has brought a little bit of home into this new environment.
• Encourage the student to get active and get involved! There are opportunities to join clubs, campus organizations, or there are opportunities to volunteer off-campus…it is important that he or she puts him/herself in the position to meet new people while doing something that they intrinsically enjoy. Additionally, encourage physical activity. It is proven to raise endorphin levels, combatting feelings of sadness and it can provide additional opportunities to meet fellow students.
• Encourage the student to explore the city! Exploring is most fun when a few people get together and go see what this city has to offer. Taking advantage of the rich experiences can help to feel more connected to the new place and it is a great way to make new friends.
• If you feel that a little extra support is needed in implementing these tips, recommend making an appointment at Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS). The staff at CAPS is here to support students and help them to have an amazing college experience. Many clients leave a session saying “It helped to just talk about it.”

Of the points made above, one of the most important things to remind the student of is that it is completely normal to feel homesick. Encourage him or her to take action and work through missing family and friends. Remind him/her/them that if he/she/they puts in the effort and takes some risks, the college experience can be one of the most transformative experiences of their lives!

Eating Disorders: Information on and Resources for Family Members Regarding Eating Disorders

By Michael McCutcheon, M.A.

Eating Disorder Risks and Facts

For many young people, going off to college represents a number of firsts; namely, it is the first time in their life when they can become the primary decider with regard to eating and fitness habits. "The freshman 15,” the approximately 15 pounds of body weight that many first-year college students gain as a result of the newfound freedom and responsibility of being Commander-in-Chief of their own health, is a well-known phenomenon.

As parents, your main task at this time of transition is to be supportive. However, a parent can only be supportive to the extent that they are informed about the potential bumps in the road that may lie ahead. With that in mind, it is crucial that parents be aware of the elevated risks of developing an eating disorder during college.

In addition to college students gaining a newly acquired freedom with regard to eating, exercising, and privacy, they have a major cultural factor that increases their risk of developing eating issues and body insecurities: since birth, students have been bombarded with countless media images that display unattainable ideals of beauty and fitness, typically featuring PhotoShopped models with impossibly flat stomachs and zero percent body fat. Young men are constantly faced with covers of so-called health magazines that focus on big arm and chest muscles and cartoon-like abdominals, which may inspire them to eat very large amounts of protein-laden foods and adopt extreme exercise routines that result in many hours at the gym in the hopes of achieving a “perfect body.”

What Can You Do to Help?

So what can you do to support your college student avoid and/or combat eating concerns during this exciting time of personal and intellectual development? For starters, learn all you can about potential warning signs and habits that might indicate your student is struggling with negative feelings about their body. Once you feel more informed about what an eating disorder looks like, be persistent and gentle. The most important thing you can do is to concentrate on your relationship with and your love and support for your student. Eating disorders, at their root, are not about weight or food.

Below are some helpful resources for learning more about eating disorders and how to talk with your student in a loving way about this sensitive subject.

Resources (UPDATED)

• National Eating Disorder Association
• Eating Disorders Resource Center
• ANAD - Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders
• Eating Recovery Center

Supporting Gender Identity: A Beginner’s Guide for Friends, Family, and University Staff

Additional Resources:

Parents, Families, & Friends of LGBTQIA+ Individuals: PFLAG is the nation's largest organization dedicated to supporting, educating, and advocating for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them.

• NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness: Awareness, education and advocacy for individuals and families affected by mental illness 
• The Jed Foundation: Working to reduce emotional distress and prevent suicide among college students through education, partnerships, and resources

Breaking up Is Hard to Do: How to Support Your Child Through a Breakup

By Shiri Lichtenstein, Psy.D.

We’ve all experienced the heartache of a breakup, when it feels like the world is going to end and you can’t imagine life without the person that just dumped you or with whom you broke up. If you are a parent, it’s hard to see your child (your baby) so miserable, and your first instinct might be to tell them, “Get out there and meet new people,” or the popular cliché, “There are other fish in the sea.”

Your experience of living in the real world has taught you that, with time, your student will most likely move on and perhaps even laugh about their "puppy love" in college. Nevertheless, it’s important to support your love-sick student in a way that feels supportive, by meeting them where they are at.

What to Do and Not to Do

First, steer clear of bad-mouthing the ex. Your student may still have strong feelings for this person, and reconciliation could occur. You don’t want to become the "bad guy" who said those awful things about your child’s partner.

Second, don’t encourage your student to go out and meet someone new if they are not ready. I know it’s tempting to tell your child they are still young and will meet someone, but that’s probably not what they want to hear right away. Grief is a process that needs to be endured to allow the person to move through it, and as hard as you try, you cannot expedite that process. Your student will through various stages of grief, one step at a time (although the stages are often not linear).

Alternatively, consider encouraging your student to remain active by exercising, going for a walk or hike, taking a dance class, or spending time with supportive and positive friends. Show your caring by sending homemade cookies or a care package with your student's favorite items. If your child lives close by, offer to take them on an outing. Making tangible changes, such as getting a new haircut or buying new clothes, can also be helpful, as this may symbolize a fresh start.

Not only can breakups be painful, but they can also be a source of shame and embarrassment, so consider sharing about a difficult or embarrassing breakup you experienced. This might even strengthen your relationship with your child.

Most importantly, listen to what your student has to say, even if it sounds unreasonable, and give them space! Let them know that you love them and you are always there to listen, day or night. Keep your cell phone on and/or make yourself available by chat or Skype. When your student is ready to talk, practice empathy and active listening. We are solution-oriented beings; our instinct may be to provide an answer, but your child probably just wants to cry and vent about their heartache. Let them know you understand their pain, and show that you love them and can tolerate what they are telling you.

When to Seek Additional Help

If your child begins to skip classes, struggle academically, or experience signs of depression (changes in sleep and appetite, low or flat mood, social withdrawal, suicidal thoughts), then encourage them to make an appointment at CAPS by stopping by or calling us during business hours at (415) 422-6352. Our After Hours line (same number as our business line) is available to USF students and their loved ones for support or consultation when our office is closed.

Is My Child's Relationship Unhealthy?

By Sarah Rotsinger-Stemen, Psy.D.

The thought that your student could be in an unhealthy relationship can be both difficult to accept and challenging to deal with. As a parent, it is important to know the warning signs of an abusive intimate relationship and know how best to intervene if your child is in one. Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that dating violence occurs with same-sex and opposite-sex couples, and a person of any gender can be abusive or the victim of abuse.

Statistics

The prevalence of intimate partner violence among the college-age population has become a growing concern. The Center for Disease Control’s National Intimate Partner Sexual Violence Survey surveyed people on the experience of having been raped, physical assaulted, and/or stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Thirty-eight percent of the women who responded to the survey and 40 percent of the men were between 18 and 24 years of age when they first experienced violence by an intimate partner.

Warning Signs

• Your student’s partner is extremely jealous or possessive.
• You notice unexplained marks or bruises on your child.
• Your student’s partner emails or texts them excessively.
• Your student spends all of their free time with their partner at the expense of extracurricular activities or other interests they used to have.
• Your student stops spending time with or being in touch with other friends and family.
• Your student begins to dress differently.
• You notice that your child has become depressed or anxious and/or has lower self-esteem since the relationship started.

How to Intervene

If you are concerned that your child is in an abusive relationship, encourage them to make an appointment at CAPS by stopping by or calling us during business hours at (415) 422-6352. USF students can call our After Hours service (same number as our business line) when our office is closed for support or consultation. 

If your student has experienced a trauma, they will need extra support and care. Talk with your student as often as needed. You may find that they want more contact with family at this time, and that is normal.

• Encourage your student to express their feelings about the incident. Provide support, realizing that all feelings are legitimate.
• Reassure your student that strong feelings (or feeling numb and detached) after a trauma are common.
• Realize that being away from home may be disconcerting and new to your student after they've been through a traumatic experience.
• Ask them, “Are you worried about anything at this point?” This will give your student the opportunity to express any particular fears.
• Encourage your student to seek support from fellow students, friends, and loved ones.
• Advise your student to get familiar with emergency procedures and resources on campus.
• If your student needs to talk with a professional, suggest that they contact CAPS or University Ministry.
• Family members who are concerned about a USF student can consult with a professional: Call CAPS at (415) 422-6352 or reach out to Case Management in the Office of the Dean of Students.
• The Title IX office is available if your student would like to report an incident.